Medford, OR

Medford, Oregon is quite a town.

I went there today to get certification from the state of Oregon to care for a disabled person. There were a few cute girls there. I saw one girl on a Vespa, and I'm not sure what she looked like, because she was decked out in a helmet and all that, but I thought she was cute because she had a Vespa.

There was one point in the trip where I was waiting for my mother to run some errends at Wal*Mart, and I went to go look at the fish. Considering that it's Wal*Mart, they have some pretty cool fish. It reminded me of this incident with this one girl I was dating for a while. For her birthday we went to the Academy of Sciences in San Francisco. They have a really, really impressive aquarium, and we were looking at it, and I saw a leopard shark and I said 'Hey, look at the leopard shark!' A while later, we were looking at the same aquarium and I noticed they had a list of fish species present, I was reading the list, and I read 'leopard shark' but I was thinking in my head tiger shark, which is a much larger, very different shark altogether. I exclaimed 'Wow! They have a leopard shark!' while still having leopard sharks confused with tiger sharks. My then girlfriend said 'We just saw the leopard shark a second ago.' and I was so shy and awkward that I just kind of looked at her funny, because I didn't know how to explain to her my befuddlement. I could go back and explain it to her now, but she's no longer speaking to me, because I am a dirty bastard.

The most impressive thing I saw in Medford was at the Food 4 Less. They had hyphy drinks in glass bottles. I don't think I've ever seen that anywhere else before.

A misguided twentysomething

I've been literally screaming in the past five minutes. It takes a pretty steady barrage of irritation to get me this upset. My email was hacked and started spamming everyone in my contacts list. Then I tried to change my password, and it asked for my AT&T Yahoo! ID, which is different from my Yahoo! ID (It's fun to add the '!' to 'Yahoo!'). I had AT&T for my DSL provider like 4 years ago and they attached onto my Yahoo account like a parasite. I haven't used AT&T for years, and yet for some reason I have to remember the stupid password and username they gave me just so I can change my account. Great.

As I was trying to get this all figured out I knocked over a can of diet orange soda and spilled it all over my desk. That's the point when I started screaming.

Anyway, I saw an advertisement for Toyota cars on Yahoo!'s homepage with a cute girl on it and I followed the links back to a commercial on youtube. I think she's seriously cute, but her interest in facebook is horrifyingly opaque.

I swear I had no idea she was 13!

I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't recognize Olivia Wilde as the actor who played 13 on House. At first, I wasn't going to post about it, but then I realized what the post title could read, and I thought that would be hilarious!


Wacky dacky!

Uninspired human sexuality isn't worth writing about.

Since I have a blog about women, I tend to read anything about attraction to women that comes my way. For example, I discovered an article on UGO.com called The Hottest Actresses Of 2011. I was disappointed with what they had to say. Here's why:

11. Mila Kunis
I think it's weird that Mila Kunis is a sex symbol now, considering that the only reason she's a household name is because she voiced the unattractive social outcast on Family Guy. Regardless, it takes no imagination to accuse Kunis of being pretty.

10. Blake lively (sic)
I think I once saw a picture of Blake Lively and thought she was cute, but then I decided that I didn't really care who she was, because I never saw her in anything, and that I can tell she's only been in crappy movies.

9. Rosie Huntinton-Whiteley

Man, motherfuck a Michael Bay. He's doing another Transformers movie? That asshole throws a ton of cash at a putrid blend of everything that sells an action movie, with no remorse or reverence, and churns out another special effects nightmare that everyone will just have to go see, and nobody will be talking about by next year. It's like he won't stop making Transformers sequels until he has caused every film theorist on earth to weep. As far as the woman goes, if she has any substance, it certainly won't show through in a movie like this.

8. Emma Stone
Here it is again. 'The Amazing Spider-Man:' because apparently that series of movies hadn't gotten bad enough. There's a saying in stand up comedy 'Always leave them wanting more.' When it comes to movies based on comic books the saying is more like 'If your audience hasn't become asphyxiated and died by the uninspired crap that you've produced, which takes the source material and treats it like a serial killer treats his victims when he skins them alive and makes clothing from their hide, so that he can wear it about as a shocking reminder to everyone who knew them, if anyone's still breathing, crank out another sequel as fast as you can.'

7. Natalie Portman
As soon as my parents got Netflix, the first thing I did was add every Natalie Portman movie to our queue. That was when I was still in high school, and Natalie Portman has aged sort of like Nirvana. Sure, Nirvana was a great band, but now that high school's over, their music just doesn't have the same gravity that it used to. Portman was the girl for me when I was in high school, because she was in Star Wars and she was all cool and shit, and she is a cool person from what I can tell, but she's not the girl of my dreams anymore. Portman, if you're reading this, I'm friend-zoining you.

6. Jennifer Lawrence
Oh wonderful. They're making another X-Men movie too. I can't wait.

5. Abbie Cornish
I only heard a little bit about Sucker Punch, but wasn't it supposed to be a really bad movie? That's all I have to say about this woman. Oh, and also, she's named after a game hen.

4. Olivia Wilde
I don't know who this woman is, and the plastic smile photo they're using in the UGO article doesn't inspire me to find out.

3. Emma Watson
Once, I was at a party, and I saw my brother's friend's little sister drinking. I thought to myself, 'What the hell is she doing? She's like 12-years-old!' Of course, she's actually of a legal drinking age now, and I'm an old fart, but in my mind she will never be a grown up. I feel the same way about Emma Watson, so stop trying to tell me to have the hots for her.

2. Scarlett Johansson
I've never thought she was that cool. She's a great actor, but when you start out doing Ghost World (which, by the way, is one comic book movie that I stand behind) and end up doing The Island, you haven't endeared yourself to me. Sorry.

1. Minka Kelly
Did you know that UGO stands for Underground Online? I guess they live up to their name, because I've never heard of Minka Kelly or any of the movies she's been in. The article notes that she's in a Charlie's Angels reboot, and I really hate Charlie's Angels, so I guess I'm not enthusiastic about her, but hey, at least she's totes underground.

I need some vodka.

Or better yet, some Scotch.

I'm feeling sort of lonely and horny and I've been bored as shit all day, so I think a night of heavy drinking is in order.

I'm trying to deter myself from drinking alone tonight, because drinking and being lonely isn't always a great combo.

My brother's in town. He and his friends are floating on the river right now, and I was invited, but I wasn't near my phone when he called me. Anyway, I hope they finish up right quick so I can go hang out with them, because they're somebody to drink with. Ay?

'I'm leaving and I'm never coming back.'

My father and mother were being all grumpy today, and it drove me to start drinking at around 9. I started watching The Godfather Part II, the second DVD, after they went to bed. I got about fifteen minutes in and Kay starts talking about how she's taking the kids and she's leaving, and Michael starts yelling at her and stuff. Anyway, her talk, as well as the way she looked, and her demeanor kind of reminded me of someone from my past. This is someone who I seemed to have a very good thing going with, and this is also someone who's no longer speaking to me.

I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. Hopefully it won't take much more alcohol to put me out for the evening.

Wendy McDoogle or something

I came across this woman named Wendy McDoogle or something, who is commonly known as the Best Buy Girl. I saved a couple of pictures of her because I thought I'd probably need them for WWCL when I'd further researched her. I watched some of her videos on youtube and I decided that her sense of humor was not really my type. Then I went to bed and when I woke up I thought, 'I guess it was okay.' so I'll post the pictures now but I don't remember her name anymore.

I don't think that's even the same person in those photos. There's two different colours of hair.

Rachel Maddow

Sup G?

So this post has been kind of a long time coming. I always thought Rachel Maddow was cute, but political mud-slinging has always sort of rubbed me the wrong way, especially if it's the sort of 'My party can do no wrong. The other party can do no right.' sort of thinking. I always assumed that Maddow would just leave me sort of frustrated by being irrationally steadfast to the democrat agenda. I guess I was being prejudice, because so much news is so crappy. They just don't make 'em like Walter Cronkite anymore, y'know? Anyway, I really never watched much of her show.

Then, earlier today, I watched a clip of her show, and I thought her attitude was really cool, and she recognized that the democrats aren't perfect. Her reporting style sort of treats the political landscape like a friend catching one up on the latest gossip. She also seemed really down to earth. I think a lot of political commentators from both wings get so egotistical that even if they're saying something intelligent you just want them to shut the hell up after a few seconds (Michael Moore and Ann Coulter come to mind). Maddow was more like 'Yo! I'm just doing my thing. Being all political and stuff. Radstyle.'

Here's the clip I watched:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Tina Weinfurther

I was reading an old issue of Time magazine in the bathroom, and I came across an advertisement for a bank that had a picture of Tina Weinfurther, the bank's bigwig something-or-rather. I think it's an investment bank. At one point, I wanted to be a hedge fund manager, because they make a lot of money. It's probably not the most punk rock thing I've ever wanted to do, but still, it would be nice to be successful in ways that the non-punk world (e.g. my parents) would recognize and appreciate. I tried to talk my friend into doing it with me, because he's the sort of person who would know what it is a hedge fund manager does and all that important information. I also read a thing about how to become a hedge fund manager. Turns out it's harder than it looks. You have to convince people to give you their money. I don't think I'd be very good at that.

Just thinking about how much more successful and better looking she is than me makes me want to act like a player hater. I will not though. I will take the high road. Congratulations on being successful and good looking enough to pull of dorky golf clothes, Tina Weinfurther. You should give me some money.

Jane McGonigal

We have a lot of old issues of Time and Smithsonian in our bathroom. I was looking through an old Smithsonian for something to read yesterday, and I came across an article about Jane McGonigal, a game designer who makes games with the expressed intent of improving people's lives and making them smarter. I didn't read the whole article, because I didn't have to spend that much time in the bathroom, but first and foremost, let's reflect on what a huge undertaking that is. After I read the first part of that article, I immediately went to my computer and started playing Postal 2. The premise of Postal 2 is to put the player through a series of tedious tasks that will encourage her to eventually start killing people for fun. This is the sort of thing McGonigal is up against. Educational games have rarely stood up to their non-educational competitors. Oregon Trail is probably the most popular educational game of all time, and the only real fun part of that game was hunting, which was decidedly the least educational aspect. How many times have you been hunting in Oregon Trail and decided to stop after you shot 200 pounds of meat, since you couldn't carry any more back to the wagon? I'm thinking never.
Also, at my elementary school we didn't have enough computers for every student to have one, so we doubled up on computers. When we were playing Oregon Trail, my computer partner was Travis Leech. We decided that I get the keyboard and he get the mouse. It seemed like a pretty egalitarian decision, except what that meant, as it turned out, was that he got to do all the hunting, and I got to type in how many wagon axles to purchase. Oh boy!
Also, at the last LAN party I went to, I got all kinds of hammered, and butted into someone else who was playing, and tried to do a similar thing, where I had the keyboard and he had the mouse. I told him that we would play a lot better because two heads were better than one. My memory of our playing is foggy, but I'm pretty sure we kicked major ass. We were playing Half Life 2 Deathmatch, I think.

Women who are into video games is another aspect of Jane McGonigal's interview that I find sort of curious. I was really into computer games in high school, and at the time, there were few boys and fewer girls who were into computer games. After high school, I started to develop a stimulating social life, and I dropped video games in a big way. Apparently, at some point after this, women began playing video games much more than before. A friend told me it was the introduction of World of Warcraft that brought this on. I've never played World of Warcraft, and nothing about the premise has ever made it sound appealing to me. At any rate, if girls are into video games now, this is a dramatic and perplexing change to the subject matter that men and women can have in common. This is actually something that's been my undoing at times, because I still am not that into video games. Sure, they're a great way to waste time and it's something to do when you're listening to music on your computer, but beyond that, I'm not passionate about video games. I've literally had women try to talk to me about video games and I've been at a loss on numerous occasions. So now I'm getting passed up by women because I don't have enough video game experience. Wow. I'm not saying 'wow' like the abbreviation for 'World of Warcraft.' I'm saying 'Wow' like 'Wow, that's fucking weird.'
Jane McGonigal should produce a game that helps me to know more about video games for when I have to talk to women about them.

Also, my high school chemistry teacher was named Mr. McGonigal. I wonder if they're related.

Sarah Chalke

My mom was watching Scrubs and I came in and watched it for a little bit, and something happened where Dr. Elliot got dumped or whatever, and I said 'She is a really beautiful woman.' and my mother said 'Ew. Really? She has a squishy face.' and I said 'Yes mother. You're much more beautiful than she is.' because that's what I've been taught to say to my mom.

Staci Keanan

I've been watching Step By Step recently, and Dana is a pretty rad character. I mean, she's all standing up for herself all the time and don't take no shit. She's mean to Cody, which sucks, because Cody has a heart of gold, and he doesn't deserve that attitude.

Did you know that Cody was kicked off Step By Step for a while because of allegations of domestic violence? Crazy.

Also, the girl who did the voice of Ducky in Land Before Time died when she was 10 years old? Horrid.

Rachel Roth

You may not know this about me, but I've seen the majority of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's movies. Some I've seen multiple times. It started because somebody gave my brother a copy of Passport to Paris that they didn't want, and then he got really into the Olsen twins, mostly as a joke but possibly also because they spoke to his adolescent romantic interests (but probably just as a joke) and so for his birthday one year I got him a whole box of used Olsen twins movies and we watched them together. I think the willingness to watch unmitigated straight-to-video stuff like this is something that only people will get if they grew up in houses with no cable and not being allowed to watch PG-13 movies. Or maybe I'm just a seriously weird person who is willing to watch Olsen twins movies. My brother and I also discussed creating various revisions of Passport To Paris, my favorite being Jihad to Jerusalem, but that's not a very nice joke.

Sometimes when I'm feeling stressed I like to watch simple movies that won't suck up a lot of emotional/intellectual energy for me to enjoy. It's sort of a bad habit, because I'm still never seen Seven Samurai but I've watched Casper like a hundred fucking times. A few weeks ago, I had a night where I wanted something brainless and lighthearted, and I'd previously found a box in the closet that had all the old Olsen twins movies in it. I chose Winning London, which is one they made when they were teenagers. The film co-stars a woman named Rachel Roth. It's a confused and poorly edited movie, where a simple plot is stretched out by tired gimmicks and dull montages. As such, Rachel Roth's character is as one-dimensional as it gets. She wasn't even given a superficial character quirk to hobble her through the film, and the movie even goes to describer her as 'just a typical high school girl' (I paraphrase).

But she had a certain likeable quality on the screen that made me interested in her. As an actor, she hasn't done much else. She was in a series called Titus that I don't know anything about, and that's almost it.

Am I a bad person because I think Casey Anthony is hot?

Yes.

Am I a bad person because the only reason I know about the Casey Anthony case is because I googled her after seeing her picture and thinking she was hot?


Yes.

Am I a bad person because I chose not to follow the case because I didn't think it was that interesting?

Perhaps.

Am I a bad person because I also think Karla Homolka is also pretty hot?

Dear Christ, yes!