Sunday, June 22, 2014

This is the end.

Okay, first of all, I've been planning on writing this ever since the 2014 Isla Vista killings happened last month. I'm a busy fellow and I finally got around to it. I don't feel I'm in a place where I can articulate exactly what I want to say, but this is long overdue...

This blog is 1,732 days old. I haven't updated in a long time. Even when I did update, it was half baked. My heart isn't into it anymore. And that's a good thing.

My life has changed a lot, mostly for the better, since I started this blog. One of the big changes is that I don't feel like I need a woman or women in my life to validate it. For a long time, I really felt like not having a girlfriend was either evidence of or in and of itself, a large social stigma. It's not that I still think that anymore. I think there very well might be a social stigma around single men, but the fact is I don't care. If people think less of me because I'm single, then they clearly have dumb values.

As for me being undatable because of some deep seated social stigma that painted me a creepy weirdo guy...

Recently at a meeting we used as an icebreaker 'What is your biggest regret in life?' First of all, let me say that when I was 24 I thought my biggest regret in life was going to be something related to not overcoming shyness and talking to someone I had feelings for, or something like that. I honestly don't recall what answer I gave at the meeting. However, the question weighed on my mind far into the night. After I got home, I realized that my biggest regret has been almost everything I've said to, or about women up until I was about 27. That's about the time I began to realize that just because a woman isn't interested in you in that way, really doesn't have much reflection on how she values you as a person. It took me 27 fucking years to realize that.

I think when I started this blog, I was hoping that publicly displaying how I reflected on the women in my life and in the media would show how I have totally normal, healthy attraction toward women. Some people liked it. Some people didn't. However, I think it did, in some ways, the polar opposite of displaying normal, healthy attraction toward women. This blog served as a record for a really unhealthy obsession with women in several spots. These were thoughts I wish I hadn't had. These were also thoughts, for the sake of myself and the women, I shouldn't have put on the Internet. All those sort of posts have been removed.

The rest, well, I want to leave them up as a sort of testament that feminism can save men from feeling entitled and shitty. It's not easy. I was barraged from a very young age to be entitled and shitty, and I'm sure I still have residue of entitled shittiness about me, but instead of taking my entitled shittiness out on the world around me like Elliot Rodger did, I generally focused it inward, and felt like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn't good enough to have a woman in my life. I don't want to sound like I was on the verge of a homicidal or suicidal (or both) rampage but bell hooks saved me. I do want to say I have done a lot that I'm not proud of, and if it wasn't for the influence that feminism has had on my life ever since I started listening to Bratmobile in high school, I probably would have never questioned myself or my motives.

I'm not articulating myself very well. That's actually okay, because I found a really great article that says something tantamount to what I wanted to say, even though I don't think I'm especially nerdy and the article is geared toward nerds. That article is here.

Perhaps if I feel like there's more I could say about how I'm thankful my attitude toward women, and toward relating to them, then I will post it here again. I've said this already, but I don't feel like I'm explaining this change in a way that's clear. However, if that doesn't happen, then this will be the last post in this blog. Good riddance, Women Who Chuck Likes. It's been a strange ride and I'm happy to have moved on. Thanks for reading.

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