Laura Dern has one SMOKIN' HOT body.

I just finished watching Citizen Ruth, which is a movie where Laura Dern plays a druggie who becomes the center of the abortion debate after a judge offers to reduce her child endangerment charges if she aborts her pregnancy.



There are several scenes in which she's wearing clothing that leaves little to the imagination, and there is this one scene where she's lying in bed on top of the sheets, and she rolls up into a ball and pulls the covers over her without getting out of bed. I was impressed with her flexibility, and wondered how a woman that was mostly into drugs was capable of such calisthenics. But more than either of those two things, I was taken with how shockingly hot she is. I mean seriously, it was like being hit by an amorous bus.



Not to toot my own horn, but I think I generally keep this blog pretty free from my more physical inclinations. Not today. I totally want Laura Dern and I'm not afraid to admit it.



Also, this wasn't the first time I saw Citizen Ruth, sorta. When I was younger, my father was watching the movie, and I came into the living room, with a bowl of cereal, to watch it with him. The first scene of the movie was really graphically sexual, and I don't think my father would have wanted me watching that, nor do I think I would have been comfortable watching that kind of scene with my father at that age (or ever), so I tried to act like I came into the living room for something else. I put the bowl of cereal on a kleenex box while I pretended to look through a phone book or something, and because kleenex boxes aren't very sturdy, the bowl toppled to the floor and spilled milk and cereal everywhere. So I had to clean up a giant mess and the graphic sexuality on the tv screen just got more awkward.

And a final note, I just read on wikipedia that Laura Dern is married to Ben Harper. Talk about a hot woman who's married to someone way less cool than I am. I mean seriously, has she listened to his music? I bet you she hasn't. Maybe she's deaf and everyone lies to her about his music being awesome. 'Boy Laura, I wish you could hear this song. It's called "Burn one down." It sure is great!'

Everyone in Sleater-Kinney on principle, and Carrie Brownstein because she's the cutest thing ever.

If I ever get to the point where I'm not flat ass broke, I plan on tucking away $300 in case Sleater-Kinney or Le Tigre ever get back together. Sleater-Kinney is seriously such a good band. No lie. And I know they're way to cool to be available to a man like myself. I read an interview with Carrie Brownstein where she talked about what books she was reading and shit. If I even got cool enough to be interviewed, I certainly wouldn't have read anything weighty.

'Um, I've been reading The Lord of The Rings for about a year now. I keep it in my bathroom and every time I go I get through another couple of paragraphs. It's really boring.'

i don't even care anymore

soundtrack: atheist - Jupiter

get that shit here

So my father left for the weekend so he could help my brother with his car, and since my mother moved out and my parents are separated that makes me alone for the day. My mother is coming tomorrow to give me a hand with chores. Oh, I guess tomorrow is today, since it's already 7:00 AM.

I had a really productive day today (yesterday). I got a bunch of my shit organized and I cleaned the house a little. I was able to hold out on drinking until 5 AM today. Up until then, I kept telling myself that I had a lot of shit to do, and I didn't want to drink because I wanted to accomplish a bunch of shit.

Finally, at 5 AM, I decided I was lonely and depressed enough to drink myself to sleep wathing He-Man. I checked out He-Man season 1 vol. 2 which is cool coz I can watch 16 hours of he-man.


I mentioned earlier that my shrink told me I need to start accepting all the women who don't like me in my life as incompatible chemistry, which has been sort of a nice thing, but that's also worse in some ways. I mean, given my history with women, chalking everything up to incompatible chemistry instead of failure on my part (like I have been doing my whole life)... It only suggests that I'm this entirely separate universe, that has somehow accidentally spawned in the nebula of everyone else's, and every day, I try desperately to get in, like a stranger knocking on your door, but universe I try to enter doesn't play by my rules, and no matter how hard I try to find compatibility, my up will always be everyone else's down. My left will always be everyone else's right.


There's a song, I think it's by LL Cool J, that has a line 'the only thing left to do was climax.' I sort of feel like that's what's going on with my life. Like, I've gone as far as I can trying to be happy and loved, now I don't have any significant others and I don't have any friends, so the only thing left to do is either get my life together (which I've been trying to do for almost a year) or blow my fucking head off and get it over with.

Sorry to be such a downer. What do you think of Atheist? I think they are not bad at all.

Sue Gardner

She keeps on begging me for cash every time I visit Wikipedia, and I finally broke down and decided that she was cute tonight. I didn't give her any money though.

I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change

In order to be be in a relationship with a woman, is it useful or worthwhile to commit to her vision for oneself? Is giving oneself in to change for the sake of a relationship something that people in healthy relationships do? The majority of people would certainly say, 'no' and then do it anyway.

I watched the Hoarders episode with Peggy in it the other day, and Matts was there. Matts has much more conventional taste in women, and I watching it with him sort of forced me to reflect on why I was so turned on by a thirty-something married with children hoarder who seemed really bossy and cried a lot (she had a good reason to cry...). What could I hope to enjoy in any sort of interaction with someone like that? I mean, this isn't just a cougar thing. The whole context of everything Patty is conflicts with everything I am and want out of life. Then the other night, I realized she's gotten to the point in her life where she's pretty much given up on being cool, but it seems like deep down inside, she still wants it.

And so if I got with Patty (Did I mention she's married? I'm such a pig.) I would get to be her gateway into the world of cool. That would be an ego boost. Essentially though, that's me wanting to change her, right? I mean, if she wants to be cool but has given up on that, it would behoove her not to depend on someone else for her cool. It's always a really bad idea to rely on someone else for living life the way you want to. That's the sort of thing you need to rely on yourself for. But I digress...

Is my problem that I want to change the women I like? Ought I to be willing to accept the fact that I need to change myself in order to be with someone else? It sounds awful. I love myself. I would never want to change a thing about myself. Except for, you know, exterior circumstances, like I wish I had a more steady job (I AM getting called in to sub pretty regularly these days) etc.

I don't know. I still am absolutely powerless to explain my lacking romantic resume.

Lee Purcell

I watched A Woman's Guide to Firearms last night. It was wicked awesome, and the star of it was named Lee Purcell. She's very pretty, and they continually talked about her acting career, but I didn't recognize her from anything. I did recognize her costar as the guy from The Way Of The Gun who wanted to die alone.

She looks a lot like Ellie Kemper. I bet they're related somehow.

You can watch A Woman's Guide To Firearms here. Score!

Cute girl rejected by a cat.

I don't know what the cat's problem is. If I was a cat, I'd wicked hella eat out of her hand. I mean, I wouldn't even really need to be a cat for her to have me eating out of her hand, but if I was a cat the eating would be less figurative.

If you have a nice girlfriend like that...

...then do you really need Netflix instant play?

Youth in Revolt

I'm at my brother's house in Santa Cruz right now. We're watching this movie Youth In Revolt. Mac rented it. He's my brother's roommate and an old, old friend, but he likes and rents some turd movies.

I tried sleeping through it, then I tried not paying attention and being on the Internet. Then I tried smoking weed and drinking to see if I could get tore up enough to forget it. Now the credits are rolling.

I don't do well with romantic comedies. I feel like they taunt me. My family and I have been in a lot of stores today, and stores also make me depressed. Y'know, because I'm broke and stores are full of things I can't afford. I put a quarter in a machine to get an Urbanzee and the machine ate my quarter. It really sucked, coz a quarter is about as much money as I'm willing to spend on something silly.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

On the last Monday in May, Americans celebrate Memorial Day, which honors soldiers who died while in service. I'm for the observance. I think we ought to take every opportunity to remember those who were taken too soon for unfortunate reasons.

Every November twentieth, I along with others observe a different Memorial Day. This day is for people who died in a war that they could never escape from. A war that was at times fought in their very own homes. A war that was at times fought against their own families. These soldiers died fighting for their right to be. They died for the causes of love and humanity and the truth only they understood. These people stood up to a world that hated them and wanted them dead. They stood up to a world that taught them to hate themselves and wish themselves dead. They fought a universe for the right to live their lives.

And they didn't make it.

I would say they didn't make it home, but the truth is, unlike the returning veteran, there is no home for the transgendered. There's no opportunity to come back to shore and hug your family and meet your old friends for a drink. That's because the war against transgender is a war that is fought on every nook and cranny of life. It's a genocide that's propagated in your television sitcoms, and assisted by your city counsel. It's an all out attack on the unestablished by the established, and until every single person can accept every single person, the death march will continue. Until nobody is afraid to love their neighbors no matter where they sit on the gender spectrum, people will be murdered. Until it's accepted and respected that not everyone is able to use an outdated and unrealistic standard to understand themselves, our siblings will be murdered in back alleys and left to the rats. Until solidarity is the norm, lives will be lost on hospital beds and in ambulances as doctors stare and ridicule. Every second of every day, unless.

All my passion. All my hope. All my strength and all my love. Until victory.

-Charles Peckham
November 20, 2010

Cute Girl in a Zeum video.

My uncle was on the board that designed and set up The Zeum. Also, I just wrote a thing about The Zeum for this tour guide thing that I'm trying to get to hire me.

I wish I was as confident and professional as the woman in that video. She must clean up at job interviews.

Twinkie Chan

There's this girl that the East Bay Express reported on and her name is Twinkie Chan and she's all kinds of cute. I kind of want to buy one of her cool scarves, but honestly, I own three scarves, and how many scarves does someone need? Seriously!

I wish I was crafty enough to do something fun with my life. I also wish there was more mixers in this house. I just drank the last of the orange juce, and we have a ton of diet cola, but no whiskey. I bet Twinkie Chan could come up with something to do with all the mismatched booze and mixers.

Elisa Moolecherry

I suggested that my parents might like the show Monk, and of course, they eat it up. It's not a bad show. At least it's not Bones. We were watching an episode last night and Elisa Moolecherry played this alt woman who worked on a Ferris wheels and stabbed a mofo in the chest. She's really cute.

Tara Vegan Piggy

There's a woman named Tara who's on a blog called Vegan Piggy that I found the other day and I really like it. She's really effing cute.

Courtney Crimson

So last month my friend Johnny says he's performing a drag show at a rassling arena in Oakland. I was in the bay for the week, and I jumped at the chance to go kick it with an old friend, and was blown away by the general chaos of a 'backyard' rassling show. It was totally awesome. One of the events that happened during an intermission of the rassling show was The Displayed Labors Sideshow and one of the members of the side show was a cute girl who was wearing a really uncomfortable looking thong, and then she started putting stuff in her nose (a 'human blockhead' act, if you're in the know) and that also looked really uncomfortable. I went home and added Displayed Labor on facebook and they just made a post like ten minutes ago, and I thought to myself, oh yeah, I guess I have a crush on the human blockhead girl.



She is pretty cute, and that's probably the only reason I have a crush on her, because everything else I'm way to squeamish for.

Laurie Zimmer

As I mentioned earlier, I watched Assault on Precinct 13 the other day, and it was awesome, and the female lead was very pretty and kick ass. She was played by Laurie Zimmer.

Violet

When I was in high school, my friends and I would watch horror movies all the time. When we watched Friday The 13th Part 5, I thought Violet, the misunderstood punk chick, was totally cool, but I didn't want to say anything, because I was worried that my friends would think I was lame or weird or something. Violet was played by Tiffany Helm.




THEEEEERRRRREEEEEESSSS A MAAAAAANNNN WITH NO LIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFEEE IN HIS EEEEYYYYYYYEEEESSSS

That's me singing.

Merriam-Webster

Here's a hot woman who knows her grammar.

I love Nelly.

Nelly is my father's two-year-old Jack Russell Terrier. She is absolutely my favorite thing in the entire universe. My affection for her can not be understated.

Earlier this evening, I was feeling very glum. I've been utterly dissatisfied with my lack of social contact as of late. Also, I've been reflecting on my history of lacking romance and what it means for my romantic future is completely bleak ways. It's really got me down.

 I was having trouble deciding if I should get tore up. I have a frenemy who said I could call her whenever I'm having trouble in life and feel like drowning my sorrows, so I thought about at least calling her first, but then I realized that it was the Saturday before Halloween, and she herself was probably out drinking, and wouldn't provide insightful or endearing conversation, if she picked up at all.

So I just kind of sat in front of the computer, unsure of what to do, and Nelly the wonderful puppy jumped up on my lap, and rested her head on my arm, which sort of made me unable to use the keyboard. She was shivering, so I decided to go lay on the couch and let her crawl under the blanket with me. We watched Assault on Precinct 13 and she fell asleep. At one point she tried to have sex with my arm, but other than that, it was a nice little evening, and it gave me an opportunity to not wallow in my depression.

Edit: I ought to give credit where credit is due. The photo above was taken by an awesome woman named Rachel Hadishar and I'm probably spelling her last name wrong.

Long Knives Drawn

I brought my record player into the computer room because I was going to start recording my vinyl onto my computer (backup, y'know). Anyway, I couldn't figure out how to do it so I started cleaning the room instead. Long Knives Drawn was the first vinyl record I bought after I got a record player in college (I had a turntable before that, but it broke). I bought it without even hearing it, just because I wanted more records. It's a record that's seen me at my worst. Shortly after I got it, I had my first 'I'm creeping you out and I don't understand why!' experience with a woman who I was convinced, CONVINCED was my soul-mate. Long Knives Drawn was the record that taught me how to weep. It's not even an especially sad record, but it was sad enough to be perfect.

I just put out four days of work as a substitute teacher at Discovery High School- a continuation school in Yreka, CA. The work was often awesome and often stressful, but no matter what, it left me, every night, feeling lonely. Just a moment ago, I was on crisis mode. I'm doing okay now. My breakdowns can be fleeting sometimes. Still, now that I'm one (admittedly small) step toward having my life together, it makes me wish I had an awesome girlfriend. Shit sucks.

Emily Perkins and a lady at the DMV

Emily Perkins had a bit part in the last episode of Dead Like Me (not the movie), as a girl in a witch had who smokes and gets killed. I didn't recognize her, but I've certainly thought she was cute before. She was the more level-headed and careful sister in the Ginger Snaps movies. I couldn't find a picture of her where she didn't look either 12-years-old or part werewolf. So just trust me that she's cute.

Also I went to the DMV today and the woman who worked there was really nice and friendly. It made the chore of going to the DMV so much more awesome. It really made my day, and that's good, because this has been kind of a poopy day.

Ellie Kemper

Man, I didn't have a crush on her at first, but I keep watching The Office, and her personality on the show is so, so adorable. It's like little baby kittens.

Hairy Legs

I skimmed over this article about hairy legs. It made me reflect on how it would be pretty awesome to have a girlfriend who had hairy legs. Leg to leg contact would be warmer than in a shaven legs relationship.

Attractive Women on Hoarders

Hoarders is this show that somehow masquerades as highbrow while managing to shamelessly exploit people with severe problems. It's trash television at its finest. If I enjoyed it in spite of it's being horrid, I'd be the first to admit it, but honestly, I just have been watching it because it's on Netflix instant and it's something to do. A lot of people are really into the show. I don't understand the attraction. I mean, yeah, hoarding is a weird phenomena that kind of went unnoticed until the show came out, but once you've got the just of how hoarders live, the show just sort of does the same thing for every episode. And I watch this crap television that I'm not even that into, when I could be reading a book or curing cancer or something.

This blog is about women.

There are not very many attractive women on hoarders. There was a couple of daughters of hoarders who were pretty cute. And there was the following:


This is Doctor Renee Reinardy. She offers consultation to hoarders who are in a crisis situation. This isn't a very good picture, but she's got the greatest dimples.


This is a woman named Patty (I don't think it gave her last name) who had accumulated so much stuff that her kids got taken from her by child services. There was like rat poop and stuff in her house and she wasn't very capable when it came time to throw stuff away. Also, her husband looked like the phantom of the opera crossed with Moe from the three stooges. Still, she's just damn good looking, and she presents herself well too. Also, she seems nice. Um... Yeah.

I'm tempted to make a crude joke referring to the truck behind Patty that says 'Got junk' but I think that's the sort of thing that could come off as facetious and jovial when said in a conversation, and on a blog would just seem unsettling and impolite.

People are so weirded out by the women I think are cute. Maybe that's why I put it all out there as some sort of sick spectacle just like the television does with hoarders. WWCL: A modern day freak show

Getting up before noon blows ass and makes me depressed.

Ellen Muth

I'm almost done watching the second season of Dead Like Me, and Ellen Muth is a pretty woman who seems cool on the show. Is she cool in real life? I don't know. Moreover, I don't care. I've become much better at being callous and indifferent with women I like. I think. I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

Isabel Van Dyke

A few months ago, I was talking about a girl I met at a beer thing. She worked for an outfit called Science Works and was 'attached.' I saw her again this last weekend.

Saturday was my 26th birthday, and in true old fart fashion, I spent the day listening to Black Sabbath and working on my truck. It was awesome. My mother, perhaps anticipating my typical 'I'm so old and I've accomplished so little.' birthday behavior, suggested we go to a fundraiser at Science Works that included microbreweries and live bands. I thought it sounded like an okay deal, and I was hoping that I could report on the live bands for Ve. I told my parents that I'd once asked out a girl from there, and we joked a bit about running into her again.

When we got to Science Works, I had four tickets that were redeemable for beer or carnival games, provided one with tickets he/she could use to obtain prizes. I decided to drink beer*, because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Drinking beer and playing with hands-on science shit is pretty crucial. Also, I found a whole bunch of tickets that someone dropped on the ground, so I decided that this was Krishna's way of telling me I ought to get tore up. We only stayed long enough to see one of the bands, and they were a really awful middle-of-the-road reggae act. It wasn't worth it to me to research them any further.

Oh yeah, this blog is about women, isn't it? Sorry. I almost forgot. So I was about six tickets worth of drunked and I noticed, from the back, a scrawny framed woman wearing an elegant dress who had acne running down her back. When I describe her such, it might make her sound unattractive, but that definitely wasn't how I felt about her. I love scrawny framed women, and acne isn't really that huge of a turn off. I mean, it clears up eventually, and there's still a good looking woman under it. The whole makes your face scar up forever is totally overblown in my humble opinion.

So I see a cute zitty girl from behind, and she turns around and sure enough it's the girl from back in the day. Her name tag read 'Isabel' and she was very good looking. Somehow, I knew that I was a little too intoxicated to try and strike up a conversation with her again, and also, the event was sort of busy. She was staffing a game where you threw a ping pong ball into a cup. My mother played the game, I noticed, but I decided my goal would be to avoid her for the rest of the evening, and if I ever see her again, maybe things will be different. Or maybe not. She's probably still attached. So who gives a shit.

I did go ahead and pull out the creep card and look her up on the Science Works website. Here she is. You can go call her if you want. Don't prank call her just coz I said that. If you do then it will look like I'm partially responsible.

Sorry this story took so long and was rather anti-climactic.

*I decided that since it was my birthday it was okay for me to drink some beer. I guess I ought to feel sort of ashamed of that, and I guess I sort of do. Whatever.

Selected Ambient Works Volume II

So I've been reading a lot of pornography lately. I like the term 'reading' pornography, because I read an interview with Edward Gorey once where he refereed to the consumption of pornography as 'reading' it. Of course, there's not a lot of reading involved with pornography. It's more of looking at pictures and watching videos, but I digress.

I've been reading a lot of porn, and sometimes I can just sort of enjoy it as a sexual stimulant and then I'm done with it. Lately, I pornography has just sort of made me feel lonely. I'll be reading some, and I just want to say to the woman in the pornography, 'Hey, let's be friends. I mean, you have raunchy sex for a living, and I'm cool with that. I'm a pretty cool person. I'm fun to talk to about stuff.' And it makes me sad, because pornography is full of beautiful women who probably wouldn't want to be my friend. And that's a horrible feeling. I'm pretty handsome, and I'm interesting and creative and fun to be around and all that. I'm really rather emotionally unstable, but hey, nobody's perfect.

I just got done talking to the Jehovah's Witness lady. I told her I didn't believe in God and surprisingly, she kept her teleological explanation under ten minutes. I could have given her the old Epicurean paradox, but y'know, I have better things to do than uproot people's faith. I'm not saying I believe in belief, as Daniel C. Dennett puts it. I just really don't care one way or the other about what some old lady who knocks on my door believes, but again, I digress.

For a while, I actually thought about putting out a porn zine of me. It would be a big ego boost to know there's people out there who feel about me the same way I feel about (some of) the women in pornography that I read.

Actually, today's my birthday. I'm feeling sort of lonely and depressed, so I'm going to just try to keep focusing on wicked awesomeness. My plan was to work on the truck with my father and drink beer and listen to Black Sabbath all day, but he had to go to work. Still, my mother has the day off, so I get to party with her. Now that I've written that out, it sounds pretty lame, but whatever. It's working on a truck and drinking beer and listening to Black Sabbath, for Christ's sake. Yeah man. Fuck yeah.

Whatever. This post is way longer than I expected it to be. Time to celebrate being an old ass man. Yeah dude. Fuck yeah.

It's Victoria's Secret Catalog Day!

First of all, I'd like to thank anybody and everybody who's been reading and sympathizing with over the past few weeks. I've been in a severe funk, and I'm not exactly Al Roker status happy now, but I'm doing a little bit better. I had a really good session with my psychiatrist on Thursday, cried my eyes out, and came away feeling a lot better. What I really need now is hope. Hope that I can find employment, and a band, and a sort of capability at life. Hope that I can get the heck out of this hideous little town and start hanging out with more kids that have similar interests. Hope that I can take inspiration from the troubles I've had coping with you-know-who and come upon a better tomorrow. The meeting with my shrink sort of gave me that. It's been a pretty successful day too. I'm five chapters into the novel I'm writing, and I think I'm going to be able to have my truck up and running by next week. That's going to improve my condition severely, having my own vehicle. Thanks for sticking by me during my dark times.

So I got the latest Victoria's Secret catalog. Well, I didn't, actually it was addressed to someone else and it was sent to my house by mistake. My parents and I agreed that it would be uncomfortable to try to give the catalog back to its intended recipient, and they probably didn't want anything out of it anyway. The kind of women that are in Victoria's Secret catalogs usually aren't the kind of women I'm especially attracted to, but two things in the catalog caught my eye.



Apparently Victoria's Secret sells professional attire. I didn't know that, but that's good to know, because if I had to buy professional attire for a woman, now I'd know where to go. I like to shop at Men's Warehouse for my professional attire, and as the name would suggest, they don't sell much in the way of women's clothing.



Speaking of gendered clothing, Victoria's Secret is selling something called a 'boyfriend cardigan.' If the reader chooses not to delve into the subtext of his or her Victoria's Secret catalog, the term 'boyfriend cardigan' is clearly bizarre. I speculate that the boyfriend cardigan is so named because it has its roots in the tradition of girlfriends acquiring a boyfriends old sweatshirts or other tops, which they can wear around the house and have fond thoughts of him. All those poor women who don't have boyfriends (and want them, because there's plenty of women who don't have boyfriends and are totally cool with that) have to spend $48 on a cardigan just so they can emulate the experience. In fact, if a woman doesn't want a boyfriend, the boyfriend cardigan is a great way to have the best parts of the single life and the best parts of a relationship, all in one. Or maybe the name 'boyfriend cardigan' is intended to insinuate that the cardigan is supposed to be bought for a woman by her boyfriend. Or maybe the whole phrase '$48 boyfriend cardigan' is the name of the clothing, and it's a cardigan intended for boyfriends that cost $48. The woman in the picture looks nothing like what I imagine a $48 boyfriend would look like, but there's probably a lot of airbrushing and what-have-you that goes on. Also, why is she chewing on her finger?

In related news, I randomly came across a Wikipedia article which states (and I quote):

There is some evidence that there may be a difference on how women online rate male attractiveness as opposed to how men rate female attractiveness. The distribution of ratings given by men of female attractiveness appears to look like a standard bell curve (normal distribution), while ratings of men given by women is highly skewed with 80% of the men rated as below average. This shows women are genuinely more picky than men when it comes to online dating. It could also potentially arise from women assessing other profile characteristics besides appearance, like their occupation for example.

I find that quote disturbing. Stop being so fucking picky, women of the world. I need some lovin', hot damn it!

I forgot to mention.

I have a wonderful, wonderful friend who I'm going to not name. I had a short visit with her while I was in Chico. She just went through a really awful breakup, and then another breakup with a rebound. I felt really bad because I could just tell she was doing awful. She wasn't sleeping or eating, and she was going though that unshakable, crushing sadness that comes with a bad breakup. I wish there was more I could do.

Anyway, she told me that she'd recently stopped drinking, because she'd gotten drunk and done something disorderly that resulted in her getting arrested. That made me feel good, because she's one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever known, and if she is making those kind of decisions after a breakup, that sort of makes my issues surrounding you-know-who seem like small potatoes.

Naiya Sullivan

So I briefly mentioned a woman named Naiya Sullivan here. I did some stand up at her artspace tonight, and it was really cool. I got into Chico yesterday and I helped her acquire a couch with my father's pickup truck, so we've kind of hung out for a bit. She's seriously totally fucking awesome, and I'm really happy to have gotten to spend time with her, but as far as feeling that way about her, I just don't see any sparks flying. You know, we're both rad people, but the chemistry's just not there. C'est la vie. To be completely honest, I'm a little relived. Intimate affection is such a difficult thing to manage for me, that I'd rather have a rad new friend than a rad new romantic person in my life.

Julia Gillard

She's sort of cute. I like her hair.

Marcella "Sally" Grace Eiler

I've been thinking a lot about suicide these past few weeks. I can't shake this feeling like there's a whole world out there being jolly and social and being able to talk to girls without them feeling creeped out and, for some reason, I was born without whatever special password you need to get into the club. Here I am, spending night after night staying up until some ungodly hour spinning my Julie Doiron records until they spin smooth. I know I'm not going to kill myself, but I think about it a lot. I'm going to Chico this weekend, so hopefully that will clear my head a little.



I have this wonderful, wonderful friend who is a very busy woman, but when she has time to talk, I've never felt more listened to and understood in my life. It's like I'm really alive and I'm a real person for once and the things I do in my life matter. Anyway, she just posted this link on facebook about a friend of a friend of hers who was raped and murdered a couple of years ago in Mexico. She sounds like she was really cool and she had neat hair and I bet she had a really great laugh. Now she's gone. Thanks a fuck of a lot, universe.

I feel necessarily ugly. Ugly in spirit. I feel like I'm trapped in this sort of Calvinistic lover's gloom where I'm not capable of doing anything that's okay. I am designated as the anti-love. I ruin the life of everything I touch. I try to really be a wonderful thing for someone, and the devil just laughs harder.

Your blood is on my hands. You're better off without me.

Watching this kind of makes me amorous.

Case In Point

I'm really feeling lonely and desperate right now.

The House of The Devil

I try not to talk to much about stuff besides girls on here, but oh man, I watched House of The Devil last night, and it was really really cool. It's got the best 1980's flavor that I've ever seen from a movie that wasn't really done in the 1980's. Also, it was just generally well done. The ending sort of disappointed me, but I'm pretty hard to please in that area.

There were two really cute girls in the movie. Greta Gerwig was in it, and it was too bad she was killed quickly and unceremoniously (I don't give a fuck about a spoiler) because she was cute and her character was cool.



Jocelin Donahue was the star of the movie, and she's really good looking, but moreover, her character seemed really awesome and a lot like a final girl in an 80's slasher movie.



Other than that, I've been really upset about generally where my life is at right now, and my lacking romantic resume and overriding loneliness has given me a lot of trouble. Seriously. Things ain't been very nice.

The List

I was just cleaning off my desk, and I found this. You probably can't read it. So I'll explain.

Last July, I was going to go to Chico for Gruk's last show. I was also meeting up with one of my favorite friends, who moved to DC a couple of years ago, and I haven't seen in some time. A couple of nights before we were in Chico, we were talking on the phone about the trip and I was a little drunk, and I (with his help) started making a list of all the women in Chico who I had always sort of had a thing for, with the intent of catching up with them and seeing if now would be a good time to make something work.

Here's the list in all it's glory:


Meredith.
She's a really awesome girl who's really really cute and used to sing for this band called Dirty Sister, that I thought was good but not great. For a long time, she was dating this guy named Carlos who doesn't like me very much. I can't remember why she was crossed off the list, but it's probably because someone told me she was seeing someone.


Maria (AKA Mexican Emily)
I never officially met her when I was living in Chico, but I had a really nice conversation with her about a year ago when I did stand up for a Shankers show in Chico. We were both kind of drunk, but it seemed to me like we really clicked. Nobody I talked to knew anything about her current haunts or relationship status.


Kristie (AKA Corpus Kristie)
Kristie is my hairdresser and she's really nice and neat and interesting. She got crossed off because she's been in this on again, off again relationship with this guy named Jared for years now, and when I checked, it was on again. Jared's a really cool guy too.


Pu-wu
She's this really colourful artist chick who I think has a kid, I never actually met her, but I thought she was cute from afar at a couple of art shows. A friend said that she was king of crazy, and I don't think I want that, so maybe it's okay that I never met her.


Becca @ Natty (AKA Becca who works at Chico Natural Foods)
She has a sort of small mouth and a weird nose, but in a really cute way. I'm not raggin' on her small mouth and weird nose, believe me. I think they're both adorable. Anyway, we were outside the Natty and I was remarking on how I was bummed that she wasn't working on the day that I was in Chico, and someone told me she was in a relationship that was pretty serious.


Sarah Kinavel
Sarah was in an acting class with me, and she was one of those girls who is shy and lacking in self confidence despite being totally adorable, which made me think I might have had a chance with her. I actually invited her to a stand up comedy show I did back in the day, and she didn't come, and I probably should have forgotten about her after that. In fact, I pretty much did, except when I was writing this list, I was drunk and I forgot about her not coming to the thing. Anyway, while I was in Chico, I couldn't find anyone who knew her so I just looked her up on Facebook, and Facebook says she's seeing someone.


Jessie
She's this hippie chick with dreadlocks down to her ankles that I wanted to be in a band with me back in the day. She never showed up for practice (and in her defense, I wasn't being very diligent about making sure everyone in the band was on the same page) so that was that. She's gotta be in her thirties, so it would be a really weird and probably distressing relationship. I couldn't find out anything about her current whereabouts/relationship status.


Monica?
I was trying to think of the name of this one girl, and I couldn't think of it, and my friend said he thought it might be Monica, but then it turns out we were thinking of two different girls.


Panama's Bartender
After I got back from Chico, somebody sent me a Facebook link to her and it said she was in a relationship. Also, she'd moved to Roseville or somewhere like that.


Jessica Roommates W/ Dana
I ran into Dana while I was in Chico and she said Jessica had moved and was in a relationship. I think she even said she was pregnant, but I don't remember. I was a little tore up at that point.


Gin
I didn't run into her or anyone who knew her current status while I was in Chico, but I found out later that she was moving and stuff. It's probably just as well, I think she was way outta my league. She has big boobs but was otherwise kind of alt cute, which means she could kind of have her pick of the litter. I'm not into big boobs really, so I'd probably give up on her before other men would. Does that make sense?


This girl named Naiya wrote her name and contact info on the back of the list. She runs a really cool sounding venue, and I can't wait for people in bands to contact me about getting a show in Chico, so I can send them her way. She's also really cool and drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not going to let myself get a crush on her, because I don't think I could get a crush on her without it turning around to bite me in the ass.

That's the end. There are a lot of other women in Chico who ought to have been on this list, but seeking out women isn't really that much fun anyway.

People who read WWCL around the world.

So I signed up to Google Analytics for my other blog, which I care about a lot more than this one.* Just for fun, I set up WWCL for Google Anatlycis as well. First of all, this blog gets about four times as many hits as my other one, and second of all, there's a number of folks from other countries who have been to WWCL. Check this out:

United States - 104 visits
France - 15 visits
United Kingdom - 11 visits
Poland - 9 visits
Canada - 9
Australia - 6

New Zeland spends, on average, the most time on WWCL. Russia spends the least.

Thank you for your interest, citizens of the world.

*Straight up. Granted, WWCL is a very therapeutic thing for me, and on those grounds I find it indispensable. However, the story of the women in my life is a story of pain and suffering, whereas my appreciation of music has always been a pleasant one.

Sylvia Plath

I was trying to remember which poet it was who's father might have been in the SS. I think it was Sylvia Plath. I was looking her up in the hopes of getting a confirmation on the father thing. She was really pretty. She's the kind of woman whom I'd really like to get along with, but probably wouldn't. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm predisposed to be at odds with every pretty, smart, emotional woman I come across. Like cats and dogs. I'm really depressed just thinking about it. I need to take a second and collect myself now.

Janeane Garofalo

I was just in the shower, and I recalled the time that Janeane Garofalo was on Stella, which was a really great show. I really liked Janeane Garofalo on it, because she was so absurd. Usually, she is the straight man, as opposed to the comic, and in Stella, she, like most people on that show, acted completely silly.

Then I got to thinking, and you know what, Janeane Garofalo is really cool. I mean, remember Wet Hot American Summer? Remember Steal This Movie? Remember Mystery Men? Yeah, she's awesome. I mean, I don't even really like her in that way, it's just, if I ever met her, I would really want her to think I was cool, because if someone as cool as Janeane Garofalo thinks you suck, then you've really crashed and burned.

I've been pretty on the lonely side as of late. I've been handling it a lot better than usual. Probably due at least in part to my not drinking anymore. After the events of this night I decided that I really needed to stop drinking. Usually, drinking is a nice and convenient way to sort of flush out all the anxiety and all-encompassing dreadful sadness that sometimes just sort of hits me like a bus. The thing is, I altogether too often try to get in contact with women in my life who have made it very clear they never want to talk again. Remember how like a paragraph I said that I'd just die if I met Janeane Garofalo and she thought poorly of me, well I wonder if that isn't also the case for some of my exes. Anyway, I haven't really talked to too many people about this, but I'm going back to being straight edge. So there you go.

Cinthia Moura

I was just watching the Masters Of Horror episode 'Deer Woman' for the umpteenth time, and I forgot that Cinthia Moura is really a very pretty woman.

Cherry Chevapravatdumrong

So I've been watching Family Guy a lot, and I kept noticing this long friggin' name in the credits. It turns out Cherry Chevapravatdumrong is a writer for the show. She's probably pretty cool. Also, she's not bad looking.



Some people do not like people with long names.

Brynn Horrocks

I recently watched this really great movie called Rock n' Roll High School Forever. In it, there was this girl who was suspected of being a witch, and she ate very unhealthy. Being totally weird and anti-social, she naturally sets off sparks with one of the guys in the rock band that is the movie's main protagonist. I love kooky, socially inept women!

She was played by an actor named Brynn Horrocks.

Allison March

My doctor told me to lay off caffeine after 4:00 PM. So when ten after three rolled around, I decided I should get some Mountain Dew in me while I still can. While I was at the store, I saw a woman who I almost sort of remembered from high school. When I got home, a quick flip through the ol' yearbook provided me with her name: Allison March, and a quick facebook search told me that she wasn't seeing anyone (as if facebook can really be trusted). At any rate, she's kinda cute.

Bai Ling is a great role model for the youth of today.

Actually, I think she's very good looking, but I'm not sure that she's worth knowing, or even worth having as part of our culture, on a personality level. The following pictures make the case that she's perhaps a shallow socialite. All the same I will withhold judgment until I have met her. All these pictures are just barely safe for work.



'I'm wearing a bra made out of stainless steel puzzle pieces because I don't just care about fashion, I also want to be comfortable.'



'I decided to go with the jacket with the fuzzy collar, in case it gets cold.'



This is what Bai Ling looked like in the movie The Gene Generation. It was a movie about a future where there's some sort of weird DNA machine that doesn't make any sense and you have to dress like The Matrix if you're a hot chick.



She's more reserved in this picture. This would be something she'd wear to, say, a funeral.



Oh please, if you'd polished off that much rum you'd be in your underwear acting like a pirate too.



Maybe Bai Ling got hit in the head with a shovel and now thinks every day is spring break.



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