Sunday, December 12, 2010

i don't even care anymore

soundtrack: atheist - Jupiter

get that shit here

So my father left for the weekend so he could help my brother with his car, and since my mother moved out and my parents are separated that makes me alone for the day. My mother is coming tomorrow to give me a hand with chores. Oh, I guess tomorrow is today, since it's already 7:00 AM.

I had a really productive day today (yesterday). I got a bunch of my shit organized and I cleaned the house a little. I was able to hold out on drinking until 5 AM today. Up until then, I kept telling myself that I had a lot of shit to do, and I didn't want to drink because I wanted to accomplish a bunch of shit.

Finally, at 5 AM, I decided I was lonely and depressed enough to drink myself to sleep wathing He-Man. I checked out He-Man season 1 vol. 2 which is cool coz I can watch 16 hours of he-man.

I mentioned earlier that my shrink told me I need to start accepting all the women who don't like me in my life as incompatible chemistry, which has been sort of a nice thing, but that's also worse in some ways. I mean, given my history with women, chalking everything up to incompatible chemistry instead of failure on my part (like I have been doing my whole life)... It only suggests that I'm this entirely separate universe, that has somehow accidentally spawned in the nebula of everyone else's, and every day, I try desperately to get in, like a stranger knocking on your door, but universe I try to enter doesn't play by my rules, and no matter how hard I try to find compatibility, my up will always be everyone else's down. My left will always be everyone else's right.

There's a song, I think it's by LL Cool J, that has a line 'the only thing left to do was climax.' I sort of feel like that's what's going on with my life. Like, I've gone as far as I can trying to be happy and loved, now I don't have any significant others and I don't have any friends, so the only thing left to do is either get my life together (which I've been trying to do for almost a year) or blow my fucking head off and get it over with.

Sorry to be such a downer. What do you think of Atheist? I think they are not bad at all.

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