I've changed a lot as a person since I started this blog, and I've been trying to be a better person when maintaining this blog. One way of doing that is to avoid getting gossipy (in related news: Beth Ditto is a woman who I like). This post will in all likelihood come dangerously close to that. I'm doing my best to keep it together.
Almost exactly a year ago, I started an OKCupid profile as a joke. I was trying to make a profile that was as unappealing as possible. I used a bunch of pictures of myself in my underwear, and I answered all the questions in the most awful way possible. E.g. 'I am pro-life. My ideal match would be pro-choice.'
After a while on there, I made a real profile and sort of forgot about the fake one. I checked it for the first time in a long while and the experience was sort of surreal.
Imagine my surprise to find a bunch of messages from women who apparently didn't get that the profile was a joke and thought this crazy alter-ego I'd cooked up would be a catch. Seriously. What the fuck? Why would you ever want to hook up with someone who under 'What I'm Doing With My Life' puts 'I'm unemployed and I like to have sex with my hand.'
One of the women who messaged me (twice) mentioned in detail on her profile that she hated herself and she was looking for someone to fix her life. For the record, I wholly believe that if you're in a distraught place like that the last thing you need is to get romantically involved with someone. It's a bummer but dating is only going to make things harder for someone who's already in a bad place.
So that was weird, but then, even weirder, was a message I got from a user whom I'd previously been talking to on my real profile, who ostensibly didn't realize that the profile was fake, or that the pictures of a man in his underwear were of the same man who she'd been talking to previously.
Even before that, the whole thing was sort of weird. She told me about a show going on that I went to once, and I never quite ran into her there, but then it turns out I did see her, I just didn't recognize her. Apparently some guy grabbed her but or something and she kicked the shit out of him, and I awkwardly watched the whole thing and still didn't realize it was her.
So that's weird, but when she contacted the fake profile she wanted to know if I could hook her up with drugs. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean soft stuff, because when somebody non-specifically says they want 'drugs' it seems to me that they're implying they'll do any drugs they can get their hand on. Also, I find it hard to believe she'd have a hard time scoring something like weed in San Diego. In this city, if you throw a rock you hit marijuana.
So anyway, I don't really want to get involved with someone who's into drugs. They might be a nice person and all, but drug addiction typically negatively affects not only the addict but everyone around her (See Johnny Cash covering Nine Inch Nails). So I'm going to chalk that up to dodging a bullet. She goes to shows in the area though, so it'll be really weird if I ever run into her.
So I took down both OKCupid profiles. I've had enough weird in my life for the time being.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I don't mean to single out women like this, but I hardly use OKCupid to meet men. Sometimes I look for men on OKCupid in the hopes of sparking a new friendship, but that's only happened 2 or 3 times. I can't really gauge the men on OKCupid from that. Oh wait, I do have this picture that a woman put on her profile that suggests that at least some men are rather crude and awful.
So I'm not bullish on the way she talks about obese women. I mean, I get that we live in a society that is really cruel to obese women, and fat women deal with that in lots of ways, one of which is some of them become sort of desperate in the romantic field, but I feel like her message still represents fat women as second class romantic partners.
And you know what, lots and lots of men are awful. Why am I even reflecting on this? Ask any woman who hasn't lived the majority of her life in a cave, and you'll find examples of how lots of men are absolutely cruel.
However, what I've found from OKCupid, is that there's really a lot of people who hold unmitigated, hate-filled opinions, and they come from every gender under the sun.
The area where this really becomes apparent is in the 'questions' section of the website. The questions in question are available to OKCupid users to discern how they feel about various issues in life, and most of them are fairly benign, like 'If someone says "I love you." on the first date is it sweet or scary?' Then there's a number of questions that deal with topics that reflect not just as a person in the dating world, but on the ethics of the individual. Here are some examples:
The life of one of your fellow citizens is more valuable than the lives of ten foreigners. (true/false)
Do overweight people annoy you?
Do you have a problem with racist jokes?
Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?
Do you find it disturbing that products are still tested on animals?
Is long hair on a guy inappropriate?
Is a straight person considered gay if they are friends with a gay person ?
Do you ever use the word "gay" as an insult or pejorative?
People's answers to many of these are shockingly vile, but the last question really bothers me. I've seen two women who, from their profile seemed like okay, decent people, but then you get to their questions and you find out they're willing to have sex with someone who's messed up, knowing they wouldn't be into it sober. I feel like there might be women who don't see what the problem with this is, and I think it's part of the rape culture sentiment that 'A girl can't rape a guy.' If you'd eff a person in this situation, you're a rapist and a shitty person and I hate you and stay the fuck away from my junk you evil fuck.Someone you like is drunkenly flirting with you. You know that with a sober mind this person would never engage in casual sex, but now it seems that they're willing. What do you do?
There's also some questions, that, while about an aspect of dating life, clearly are a reflection of the person's prejudices, like this little number:
There's a lot of people who have answered this with 'no,' which I find just horrid. I sort of don't understand the stigma. I mean, someone using anti-depressants is coping with depression, and if they're willing to shell out the cash for meds they're probably more adamant about staying on top of their mood. I've used anti-depressants in the past, and now I don't need to anymore, which I count amongst one of the most fortunate things that's happened to me. If I still needed them, I would do it and I'd be responsible about it. One person commented that they would look down on someone who's using anti-depressants for being too stupid to just smoke pot. I was going to comment on that, but maybe I don't even need to. I've experienced first hand how anti-depressants can work, and I've experienced first hand how trying to 'just deal with it' is a really, really bad decision.Could you date someone who used anti-depressants?
In short, OKCupid is overrun with abominable humans and it makes me hope that the website is not an accurate pool of the general public opinion.
Posted by Chuck Damage at 10:22 AM