This post is probably going to sound like a broken record.

You know what's great about this blog, it regularly fluctuates between a lighthearted ogling of women, and regular ol' existential crisis. I really think I have the best blog ever. No I don't.

I'd like to think that it all means something, though.

I've been thinking a lot about Heidegger lately. He's best known for his contributions to phenomenology, which he more or less invented as a branch of philosophy, but his contributions to existentialism are seriously crucial. His word for the authentic human experience is 'dasein,' which I believe translates to 'not at home.' He sees the human as so unique and incomprehensible, that ultimately there's no place in the universe that she can fit perfectly. Ultimately, he thinks life for dasein is a constant drift through relationships, passions, interests, etc. unable to ever fully be in sync with any of it.

So often I feel utterly incapable of relating to the entire universe. Everything seems blurry and artificial, like a giant hoax being played on me. I don't understand why people act the way they do, or believe in the things they do, or love the things they do. Hyper-dasein. I blog about this here, because I feel it relates very strongly to the issues I have with women.

I have to wonder, is this foolhearty pursuit at at a sincere, progressive life, ultimately my Achilles’ heel? There has to be something like that in my life. I am not a loved man. The social universe seems to have passed me by. It's like I don't speak the same language as anyone else I've ever met.

To that end, I look at the way my life is going, and I look at where I've been.One day I will be dead. Something big has to happen before that, if there's going to be a happy ending to my story. I don't like the odds.

'I need to get fucked.'

I've been swearing a lot on my blog. I think it's because I hate it when people tell me not to swear, and a lot of people have been telling me to stop swearing lately, so I retreat to my blog where I can, within reason, write whatever I want, and not get told to stop swearing. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Also, I've been doing a fair number of introspective posts, as opposed to 'This woman from the media is good looking' type posts. Have I been paying less attention to the media, or am I just in my head a lot these days?

Anyway, when I started writing this post, I was going to talk about how I could think of two instances in film where a woman complained openly about being sexually frustrated (Ghost World and Sex And The City), and did this suggest that women are more capable of expressing sexual frustration than men in our culture? Then I remembered that there was a man expressing sexual frustration in Transpotting, so I'm probably full of hot air. It would be surprising to find that women are more capable of expressing sexual frustration than men. Though it could be understood. While men are more allowed to express sexual content in general, their expression is regimented differently. Men are prescribed discussing sex as something they excel at, and expressing sexual frustration would be an admission of failure in sexual competitiveness. Women, on the other hand, in the rare instances they are allowed to express sexuality, are encouraged to handle the subject with maturity and understanding. To that end, a woman is able to be upfront about sexual frustration, as there's no competition or standard to uphold.

Of course, sexual desire in general is perfectly acceptable to express for men (and not nearly so much for women). A man might not be allowed to say 'I'm feeling sexually frustrated.', but he could presumably say 'I need some pussy, man!' But enough babbling crap.

I have to admit, that I've been sexually frustrated as of late. It's more of a desire to be physically close to someone than, y'know, a need to pop a load out. Like honestly, if I could just fall asleep next to someone, I'd prefer that to anything legitimately sexual. Too bad I'm so criminally shy that I can't stand the thought of approaching women for intimacy.

I guess that's everything I wanted to say.

Entre Fukkin' Nos

Somebody just posted on facebook about a movie that looks boring and I'm not going to watch called Entre Nos. I think this woman is very hot looking.

I WILL MURDER EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THIS GODDAMMED EARTH AND LAUGH WHILE I DO IT!

SO I'VE BEEN DOING THIS PLAY AT SPAC AND I THINK THE PLAY IS PRETTY ARROGANT AND WANTON WHEN IT COMES TO ITS PORTRAYAL OF TRANS WOMEN SO AT FIRST I WAS SUPER APPREHENSIVE ABOUT DOING IT BUT THEN I DECIDED THAT I WOULD. IT'S BEEN KIND OF NICE, REALLY, TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BE PART OF A PROJECT WITH OTHER PEOPLE, BUT THE FACT THAT NONE OF THEM ARE PART OF 'THE DARK SIDE' IS STARTING TO GET TO ME. I'M SO SICK OF BEING TREATED LIKE THIS WEIRDO FOR BEING WHO I AM AND ACTING THE WAY I DO. EVERYONE'S LIKE 'CHUCK, WHY ARE YOU SO SHY?' AND THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHY. NORMS DO NOTHING BUT MAKE ME FEEL SHITTY AND I HATE IT. I CERTAINLY HAVE MY SHARE OF PROBLEMS WITH HARDCORE KIDS, ANARCHISTS, PUNKS, CRUSTIES, NOISE GEEKS, TRAVELING KIDS, ETC. THAT ARE IN MY LIFE, BUT AT LEAST I'M ABLE TO SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE AS THEM. THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE COMPLAINED ABOUT A LOT. IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT THOUGH WHERE IT'S NOT JUST MILDLY IRRITATING, IT'S OUT-AND-OUT OFFENSIVE.

I ALREADY MENTIONED THAT ONE GIRL, AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME OR EVEN REALLY RESPECT ME IN A WAY THAT REALLY HURTS. I'VE BEEN SHUT OUT BY SO MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT, AND I MEAN, IN THE END, FUCK THEM. I DON'T NEED THEM. I JUST WISH SOMEONE COULD RECOGNIZE WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO WITH MY LIFE IN A WAY THAT WASN'T SO... SO CONDESCENDING.

THE PLAY OPENED THIS WEEKEND, AND SO ALL THESE COCKY JOCK GUYS HAVE BEEN SHOWING UP TO SEE THEIR GIRL IN THE PLAY. NOT EVEN JOCK SO MUCH. BUT YOU KNOW, THOSE OVER-CONFIDENT MEN WHO SEEM TO ALWAYS HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVEN THOUGH THEY LACK ANY SUBSTANCE. FUCK THOSE MEN AND I FEEL SORRY FOR ANY WOMAN WHO GETS SUCKED UP INTO THEIR BULLSHIT.

ANYWAY, LAST NIGHT WE GOT OUT OF PLAY PRACTICE, AND SOME PEOPLE OPTED TO GO OUT TO CORINNA'S HOUSE TO KICK IT. I WANTED TO GO, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SUPER DEPRESSED LATELY, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME QUALITY TIME WITH SOME KIDS WOULD BRING ME OUT OF MY FUNK. BECAUSE OF SOME BULLSHIT, WE WOUND UP GOING TO MCDONALD'S INSTEAD. THERE, ONE OF THE FEMALE ACTORS IN THE PLAY WAS HAVING A MEAL WITH HER FAMILY. HER HUSBAND IS THIS MILITARY GUY WHO I LIKED AT FIRST, BUT I MADE SOME JOKE ABOUT HIS WIFE BEING SCANDALOUS BACKSTAGE, AND HE THREATENED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE. THEN HE SORT OF PLAYED IT OFF BUT NOT REALLY. I REALLY WISH I'D HAVE TAKEN UP HIS CHALLENGE. IF I WAS OUT OF LINE AND HE DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT HIS WOMAN, I RESPECT THAT, AND I'D HAVE GLADLY STOPPED IF HE ASKED NICELY, BUT INSTEAD, HE HAD TO SHOW OFF WHAT A TOUGH GUY HE WAS AND PUSH ME AROUND. FUCKING PRICK. SO THEN I GOT BULLIED INTO AN AWKWARD POSITION IN FRONT OF ALL THESE KIDS WHO I WAS IN THE PLAY WITH AND I HAD TO JUST HANG OUT THERE FEELING STUPID FOR LIKE ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN A RIDE WITH FUCKING HANNAH AND SHE WASN'T READY TO LEAVE YET. I THOUGHT ABOUT SEEING IF SHE'D LET ME STEAL A CHAIR FROM MCDONALD'S AND PUT IT IN HER CAR, BECAUSE WHEN I'M FEELING UPSET SOMETIMES SHOPLIFTING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT CORINNA WAS THERE AND SHE 'LOSS PREVENTED' A SHOPLIFTER ONCE AND BRAGGED ABOUT IT ON HER FACEBOOK, SO I PROBABLY COULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT.

MAN, FUCK NORMS. FUCK THIS SHITHOLE TOWN AND FUCK EVERY OUNCE OF THE UNIVERSE, INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL, THAT'S BLOCKING ME FROM IMPROVING MYSELF AND THE WORLD AROUND ME. 666