Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I just remembered that I hate everythng.

I have no job. I have no home. I have a vehicle that stopped running for the umpteenth time yesterday. I've been staying at at Matts' house in Irvine for a while, and it's been like a week now and people are starting to get sick of me. I'm stinky and messy. I know this, and I'm into it. Other people don't like it so much. I'm sitting here watching this show It's Always Sunning In Philadelphia, and at first I thought it was kind of funny, but now I'm getting kind of sick of it. There's this one woman on the show, who at first I thought wasn't that cute, but she wears tight jeans and lo-tops a lot and she pulls it off really well. Other than that, I have no extra-platonic interest in her.

I feel like I need the sage wisdom of someone. For some stupid reason, I thought that if I stayed in Southern California, I'd be able to find a job and place to live that fit into my personality and life goals. So far the only thing I've accomplished since leaving my former position is getting my truck down here, which would be terrific if it worked. I've been trying to get caught up on 30 Rock, so I watched like 3 episodes the other day, and I envy how Tina Fey's character has a sort of mentor that she can go to for advice when her life becomes difficult. I could go to my father, but I'm not sure I'm able to agree with the advice he gives. He might tell me to move back in with him, which I'm not going to do. I started to watch Gladiator the other night, and I felt bad because I don't go to my father to capitalize on his wisdom like the people in that movie do.

I think there may be a belief that some people carry that the two things holding people back are fear and laziness. I don't agree with this view in a socio-political context, but certainly fear and laziness work to hold people back pretty regularly. I'm not really afraid of anything, except for heights and needles. I literally stood fifty feet away from a bear once and fiddled with my new cell phone for a full minute trying to figure out how to get the camera to work before realizing that, were the bear to decide to be mean, I was making the wrong decisions, and I walked away slowly. I'm not afraid of bears. I'm not foolhardy around them, but I'm not afraid of them. But I digress. I think everyone who knows me knows that I'm wicked lazy though. Is that my problem though? There's matters of my life that I haven't been lazy about, yet I don't feel I've been successful anyway. I feel like I need instruction with some things, and I get advice about these things from a lot of people, but none of it seems to be worth listening to. For example, about an hour ago Matts told me I ought to get a haircut if I want to get a job. I told him it depends on the job. He said no it didn't. I gave the example of coffee shops, because alt people work in coffee shops pretty regularly. He said getting a haircut would be especially important for coffee shops, because if you have long hair it could fall into people's coffee. While I see his point, I'm not sure if that would actually be the reason a coffee shop would decline employment to me based on hair. After all, women can be baristas and nobody gives a shit how long their hair is.

I guess the best thing to do at this point would be to try to get up early tomorrow and fix the truck. I needed to write though. It lets off some anxiety.

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