Sunday, July 24, 2011

Uninspired human sexuality isn't worth writing about.

Since I have a blog about women, I tend to read anything about attraction to women that comes my way. For example, I discovered an article on called The Hottest Actresses Of 2011. I was disappointed with what they had to say. Here's why:

11. Mila Kunis
I think it's weird that Mila Kunis is a sex symbol now, considering that the only reason she's a household name is because she voiced the unattractive social outcast on Family Guy. Regardless, it takes no imagination to accuse Kunis of being pretty.

10. Blake lively (sic)
I think I once saw a picture of Blake Lively and thought she was cute, but then I decided that I didn't really care who she was, because I never saw her in anything, and that I can tell she's only been in crappy movies.

9. Rosie Huntinton-Whiteley

Man, motherfuck a Michael Bay. He's doing another Transformers movie? That asshole throws a ton of cash at a putrid blend of everything that sells an action movie, with no remorse or reverence, and churns out another special effects nightmare that everyone will just have to go see, and nobody will be talking about by next year. It's like he won't stop making Transformers sequels until he has caused every film theorist on earth to weep. As far as the woman goes, if she has any substance, it certainly won't show through in a movie like this.

8. Emma Stone
Here it is again. 'The Amazing Spider-Man:' because apparently that series of movies hadn't gotten bad enough. There's a saying in stand up comedy 'Always leave them wanting more.' When it comes to movies based on comic books the saying is more like 'If your audience hasn't become asphyxiated and died by the uninspired crap that you've produced, which takes the source material and treats it like a serial killer treats his victims when he skins them alive and makes clothing from their hide, so that he can wear it about as a shocking reminder to everyone who knew them, if anyone's still breathing, crank out another sequel as fast as you can.'

7. Natalie Portman
As soon as my parents got Netflix, the first thing I did was add every Natalie Portman movie to our queue. That was when I was still in high school, and Natalie Portman has aged sort of like Nirvana. Sure, Nirvana was a great band, but now that high school's over, their music just doesn't have the same gravity that it used to. Portman was the girl for me when I was in high school, because she was in Star Wars and she was all cool and shit, and she is a cool person from what I can tell, but she's not the girl of my dreams anymore. Portman, if you're reading this, I'm friend-zoining you.

6. Jennifer Lawrence
Oh wonderful. They're making another X-Men movie too. I can't wait.

5. Abbie Cornish
I only heard a little bit about Sucker Punch, but wasn't it supposed to be a really bad movie? That's all I have to say about this woman. Oh, and also, she's named after a game hen.

4. Olivia Wilde
I don't know who this woman is, and the plastic smile photo they're using in the UGO article doesn't inspire me to find out.

3. Emma Watson
Once, I was at a party, and I saw my brother's friend's little sister drinking. I thought to myself, 'What the hell is she doing? She's like 12-years-old!' Of course, she's actually of a legal drinking age now, and I'm an old fart, but in my mind she will never be a grown up. I feel the same way about Emma Watson, so stop trying to tell me to have the hots for her.

2. Scarlett Johansson
I've never thought she was that cool. She's a great actor, but when you start out doing Ghost World (which, by the way, is one comic book movie that I stand behind) and end up doing The Island, you haven't endeared yourself to me. Sorry.

1. Minka Kelly
Did you know that UGO stands for Underground Online? I guess they live up to their name, because I've never heard of Minka Kelly or any of the movies she's been in. The article notes that she's in a Charlie's Angels reboot, and I really hate Charlie's Angels, so I guess I'm not enthusiastic about her, but hey, at least she's totes underground.


  1. Olivia Wilde is 13 on House. She's really good at playing a stuck up bitch who knows she's hot and acts like being a whore is liberating.

    Most people don't read the credits on cartoons. Mila Kunis is mostly known as Jackie from That 70s Show, who was overlooked at the time considering that, being 14, she hadn't filled out yet, and played the most annoying character on the show.

    I made it all the way through Sucker Punch. I was very high and had the lowest expectations possible. It would have been better as a musical. If I remember right, Abbie played the least attractive woman in the movie.

  2. dammit. this post just pissed me off. Who in earth doesn't know who Olivia Wilde is?! really guys...

  3. Oh man. That's embarrassing that I didn't know that she is 13. Yikes! I need to watch House more.